Feelings of selfishness are fascinating to me mostly because it produces actions that aren’t parallel to any of my core beliefs. I have intentionally created life and work experiences centered around an ability to serve and advocate for others. I value my capacity to identify needs within communities and solutions to address them. So, selfish thoughts..selfish desires…selfish motives..and the decisions that result from each has produced a strange reality for me within the past couple years.
My selfishness is a lack of desire to hide disparity between the concern I have for myself and the concern (if any) I have for some. My selfishness is procrastination to discover immorality within my self-interest. I mean…I guess if you were to ask, “Is selfishness wrong?” I can give you a correct answer. But..my selfishness has vindication. [insert chuckle] It normally arrives shortly after bouts of unworthiness and severe depression that lasts about a week every few weeks.
Our body generally works to heal itself from injuries. You fall, scrape your knee, and your skin works automatically to regenerate creating a scab. I believe our souls do the same. We fall. We are used. We are disregarded. We become broken-hearted. Our souls begin working to repair itself. From this work, a natural desire to protect ourselves is formed.
For the past few years, there have been situations that have exhausted me emotionally and spiritually. I sacrificed myself for others to the point of losing my identity. It has not been easy to reach the other side of those moments. However, I have. At times, I encounter situations or people that remind me of moments that almost destroyed me. It is during those times that my soul..broken and spread about… begins working to repair itself. That which I have perceived to be numbness towards others..could possibly be protection from harm.
I’ve spent the past few days wallowing between emotions of guilt, confusion and curiousity towards this recent season of intense self-interest. It has caused me to wonder: In life, is it possible to spend enough emotional distress to earn the right to be selfish?